RED THROWS IT IN REVERSE

ME: Were you talking about someone getting thrown out of a window or something?

RED: Noooo, what I was talking about was years ago I lived in this neighborhood, over by the boy's club on Arlington and up dis way here, we had people that we knew and da tavern down here, Listwann's, my buddy, I grew up with him, his parents lived on Franklin and den, when dat house went up here on Farwell or Prospect er something, his pa retired from the post office and had a lot of money...

PHIL:(sarcastically) ...ahhh yeaaaaaaaaah...

RED: ...his wife was the second wife, came from Italy. She came from Italy. And um,what happened was, we were over by this one guy, I didn't have a car then, but he's drive'n around, come'n down Farwell avenue, we're goin' up Brady street, he says "Watch this!" 35 miles an hour, I'm gonna shift da gear, put it in reverse. He blew a rod in the engine...

PHIL:...aaaaaaaaaaaaah...

RED: Here's the guy at American motors tellin me the same thing...

PHIL:(waving hands in rejection) ....aaaah...

RED: He's working on the production line...

PHIL:...aah, you godda be kidding me. Jesus Christ.

RED:...and he's in the reserves and he says listen...

PHIL:...shit...

RED:.. and he says, listen, I can't blame the kids. Little kid like that and he's got him standing up on the front seat while he's drive'n an old station wagon, and the kid sees dad pull the lever down, so the kid reaches out and pulls the lever down...

PHIL:(disgusted laughter)... aww, c'mon...

RED: ...Blew everything on the engine, the engine broke. Yer doing 35, 40 miles an hour, you throw it in reverse...

PHIL: ...What does he do? He throws it in reverse. Holllly Christ. He throws it reverse?

RED:...You could blow a rod. And if the rod comes through the firewall and hits you in the stomach, then you're in trouble...

PHIL:...ahhh how stupid do you think this guy is? 35 miles an hour and I'm gonna throw my car in reverse? Hollllllly Christ.
What was he...

RED:...And den, you go up in dis guy's house and he's like a hippy he's got...

PHIL:...Christ. Who's the dummy? Who's the dummy he was riding with? Ahhhhhh Jeez...

RED:...You got three black walls in the bedroom and one wall is white. The mattress laying on the floor...

PHIL:...Who's the dummy he's with?...

RED:...Now go out in the living room. Chains coming down from the living room...

PHIL:...35 miles an hour...

RED:...With an octagon stop sign he's using for a coffee table...

PHIL:...Ahhh, I'll see ya Red...

RED:...He was like a hippy. I'll see ya Phil. I godda go in here. (points to Men's room)...

PHIL: Ok, don't fall in. When you flush, be sure.

For the next 31 minutes Red talks. He tells me about his job, the night security detail at a quiet car dealership. He tells me about a lot more things. These include, but aren't limited to,how to clean a thermos, including a failed plan involving hot vinegar , a good sale on a thermos that he had to pass up, how he dropped a thermos and dented it one time, how he needs coffee to stay awake because he falls asleep at work and in fact got caught sleeping on the job, how the chief was mad, how he accidentally called the chief by pressing a button in his sleep, the company's car insurance plan, the company Christmas party and white elephant gift exchange, the details of the party invitation, the history of the Safe House, how he bought a used car and it's insurance plan, how much money he would have to win in the lottery to break even, the siren light on his security car, his car battery, and more.

I just love my day job. It's such a good use of my time.

RED AND THE FROZEN TURKEY SNIPER

RED: ....So I turn around on that bridge...

PHIL: Did ya jump off that son of a gun?

RED: I says "dat turkey flew away!" (laughs)

RED: (pointing to Phil) I was telling him, the one day, it was winter, I was going over the Hoan bridge, to go home to Saint Francis. I looked, I said what the hell, that's a pretty good sized turkey. Frozen. Still had the wrapping on it. Probably a guy had it in the back of his pickup truck. And it fell off. He hidda bump or something and it fell off. It was laying against the side of da wall. Sure, when this side hits,it's uh...(demonstrates falling turkey hitting road with hand) it's uh...it's going to tear the plastic a little, but you could clean that off. But I can't stop, sheriff might drive by, I'll get a ticket for stopping. I got to the other side of the bridge, I pulled off, turn around, come back on, pull over and where'dit go? Fly away? Somebody stopped and picked it up, but I wasn't going to take that chance. End up getting a ticket? Not me.

ME: You might have gotten a ticket, but you'd have a free turkey.

RED: Well, it looked like it was still frozen too yet!

RED TRIPS THE LIGHT FANTASTIC

ME: What was that term you were using earlier? Something about the "light fantastic?"

RED: "I tripped the light fantastic."

ME: Yeah, that's it. I was trying to remember.

RED: I used dat at my credit union. You say "I tripped the light fantastic." Then they're supposed to come back and say
"You wanna gedda young lady? You dilly her in the dally, you twidder her in the twilight,then yer jackin in the dashcliffs in someone's underwear out on the washline, and the grand finale yer the phantom in the boudoir."
Then you grab the guy's leg and go "SHEEP SHANKS!" You yell "Sheep shanks!", but yeah, "I tripped the light fantastic."

ME: But what does that mean?

RED: I don't know. It's just a term that somebody...the guy at da credit union, he was behind the manager, he said, I never heard dat before.

PHIL:(leaving) Ok, Red, see ya.

RED:Or da one where I was on the treadmill. The doc says, we're going to stop the treadmill and give you some dye, then you sit down for fifteen minutes, then we get you back on the treadmill. I say, doc, you ever hear the term 'heart dropsy?' He says , no, what is that? I says its when a guy sits his ass down in a chair and he ain't got enough heart to pick it up again! (laughs)

PHIL: (in doorway) Hey Red, I'll see ya then if you're gonna stand here and bullshit all day.

RED: Sheep shank! (Exits)

RED TALKS ABOUT THE DANGERS OF THE DESERT

ME:I heard you guys talking about scorpions. What's up with that?

RED: Oh, where my sister lives, Arizona, she's godda condo and you can look at a computer and rent it.You walk out on the patio and you look out at the desert. Dey got snakes out there, dey got something dat looks like a wild pig called an abalonian, scorpions, snakes. Then dey godda bush. You see this bush when you're driving down the side of da road, they got them on the golf course too, it's called the jumping sequoia bush. You walk too close, the bush leans over and grabs you. You get all sorts of burrs, you godda use a tweezers to get them oudda you. It's just growing out and it leans over and grabs ya. Then he says(ed-"He" being his sister's husband), then he says, when you look off, going over the desert, there's a casino out der, and the indians live on both sides. They don't care if you go out der. I said, why would you want to go out der? Don't you value your life? You bump into a rattlesnake...you bump into a wild pig, it's called an abalonian, they come down there looking for some food. A scorpion. Then my sister says, by the way, you wanna stay here tonight? I said, you got the youngest kid coming in with her boyfriend, from Madison.She says, naw, you can stay here. I figure I can crack the door so you can hear the coyotes howl at night. There's a screen on it. I says, no thanks, I'll stay down there with you, you let them two stay here. Cause she had the car. I says, well, unless you give me the car, and then when he goes to work, you ain't got no car. Cause he works at the golf course part time, just to get free golfing. Other than that, they're both retired. And she's getting $2,000 a month out of that one condo. That's pretty good money. A certain time of the year...it's not rented out all year long. A month, maybe month and a half where she don't have it rented out. The people look in the computer, and she gets the same people all the time.

ME: Where is this?

RED: It's in Arizona, but it's called Hob Hills, Arizona. If you're up on that patio, you're looking out at a man made lake, then there's a mall in front of it. There's a ten story fountain in the back der, that shoots up ten stories high. Around 10 o'clock at night it shuts itself off. It's a more fancier neighborhood. You godda go a long ways to get to a grocery store. You godda have a vehicle out there, unless you wanna walk. I mean, they got sidewalks that you can walk on. Yeah. I was sitting on the patio there, Christmas Day, with short sleeve shirt and shorts.

ME:Nice.

RED: I'm not worried about June and July. I can deal with hot weather. And no snow.