THE HORROR OF ZOMBIE WIFE

IT CAME FROM LAKE MICHIGAN
by Tea Krulos

The sky is overcast, foreboding, as dark clouds quickly roll in and a thunderclap is heard in the near distance. It is a bleak day for we, the aggrieved. Tragedy has struck. Beth died, too young, in a tragic accident. She was driving and was struck by a car. (Fade to black. CRASH SOUND.) Her husband, Jason, looks guilty and he should. The night before they had a fight in bed before going to sleep. They were arguing about finances when Beth told him “Urgh, you’re such a jerk.” (Rolls over and goes to sleep.) To which Jason thoughtlessly replied “You make me so angry. I wish you were dead.”(Goes to sleep.)
And so here we stand staring at Beth’s grave. The pastor tries to improvise words of comfort.
PASTOR: “She loved you. She was a good wife. Do not look at this as an end, but a new beginning…”(The attendees mourn. Jason is visibly shaken.)
“CUT! Great job, everyone!” Jason Knuth yells out. I’m an extra for the funeral scene in Knuth’s short movie Zombie Wife, which will be one of the first movies screened at this year’s It Came From Lake Michigan (ICFLM) horror movie festival. Knuth has written, directs, and stars in the movie. His wife, Beth, is the title role and assistant director. This scene is shot on a cloudy day in early May in a corner of Knuth’s backyard in Waukesha. The extras really are his mother and co-worker. William P. Zenobia, a director of ICFLM, portrays the pastor.
After a few takes of the scene from different angles, we move into Knuth’s house to watch the raw footage. Knuth operates with a simple set up, a Sony handicam, with editing done in Windows Movie Maker. His living room is covered with Star Wars posters, unopened action figures, and autographed framed photos. Everything checks out and now Knuth has only the climatic appearance of the zombie, the corpus reanimatis, to film.
A couple months later and the Knuths stop by my house to view the final product. He has sent a copy to ICFLM (who accepts it), and also submits it to horror film fests in Chicago and Sacramento. The film runs nine minutes from opening credits to shocking conclusion. Knuth became interested in making his own film after appearing in collaborator Kelly Prescott’s 2006 film Bowlful of Happiness, a film in which Knuth portrays a mentally challenged man obsessed with beans who is tormented by killer sea monkeys.
I ask Beth what it’s like having Jason as a spouse and director.
“He needs to learn to tell me to do more takes.” I tell them I’m surprised, that I might guess the opposite, that he’d overwork her. Knuth shrugs.
“I still have to live with her when the camera shuts off.” And the advantages?
“She’s an actress I can call on anytime.”
“And I’m free.” She adds. The budget for the movie was a hundred and fifty dollars, spent on make up, flowers for the funeral scene, and software. The actors all volunteered and it was shot entirely in and around the Knuth household, causing several strange looks from the neighbors.

When asked why a horror film fest instead of something more artistic, ICFLM founder Wayne “Uthyr” Clingman says,
“I want to watch films I enjoy. I’m tired of hair being glued on film and called art.” You can be sure you won’t find fuzzy artistic statements in this year’s ICFLM films which include Backwoods Blood Bath, After the Blood Rush, and Blood, Boobs, and Beasts.
Clingman started the first ICFLM last year in Racine, but decided to go “bigger and better” this year at the Tommy Thompson Center on the Wisconsin State fair grounds.
Horror heavyweights appearing this year include Lloyd Kaufman, head of Troma Entertainment, which has produced such cult hits as The Toxic Avenger, and Class of Nuke ‘Em High. Troma’s latest release is Poultrygeist.
Also appearing will be Mark Borchardt, the local icon documented in American Movie, and John Dugan, who played “Grandpa” in the original Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
What connection do the Soup Nazi (Larry Thomas) and Niedermeyer (Mark Metcalf) have to the genre? Thomas stars in Postal, which screens here, and Metcalf is beloved by Buffy The Vampire Slayer fans for his role as The Master. More guests include numerous horror film directors, make up artists and a bevy of B Scream Queens.
Industry ghouls will be conducting spine tingling workshops throughout.
“We are the only film fest that is doing a major push on workshops, many taught by the stars.” Claims Clingman. There will be a gala party Friday night with a London 1885 Hellfire club theme, with a performance by the Living Dead Girlz, a horror themed burlesque group.
Clingman hopes the all the sweat pays off after putting in the efforts to insure success.
“I thought, how hard could it be to put on a fest? Much harder than I thought.”



This originally appeared in the Shepherd Express

VEGAN IN A BLACK LEATHER JACKET

VEGAN IN A BLACK LEATHER JACKET
by Tea Krulos, photo illustration by Paul Kjelland
The morning of May 1st was crisp and cool, so I threw on my black leather motorcycle jacket and headed out for my morning cup of coffee. A few steps out the door I laughed at the irony of my choice. Today was the first day of 31 days of being a vegan for me. Vegans do not consume animal products of any kind, meat, dairy, and clothing made of animal products.
It all started a few weeks earlier. I was having a rough month, the type of month you get through and once you’re through it you know you can take on any challenge and it’ll seem piddely by comparison. I needed to move by May 1st and it appeared I had nowhere to go. My friend Paul Kjelland, a talented local photographer, made the generous offer that I could stay at his house for as long as I needed in May.
Paul is vegan, and my thought was that it would be an interesting experience and perhaps a polite gesture as a house guest if I adopted his lifestyle for the month. As it turns out, I found a place of my own before the month was up, but now going through with the plan to me really appealed to me, so I decided to go ahead a vegan way of life for the month of May.
The vegan movement started with the Vegan Society in Britain in the 1940’s. Donald Watson lead the group and coined the word “vegan” from the first three and last two letters of vegetarian because “Veganism starts with vegetarianism and carries it through to it’s logical conclusion.”
To encourage me further, my new room mate, Jessica, agreed to join me in the vegan challenge. I took notes daily on what I was eating and discovering, and what follows are points of interest along the way.

MAY 1- Welcome to veganhood dinner party
I usually take a solid dose of half and half in my coffee, but today I start using soy creamer instead. It is not too far off. Real half and half is a little thicker, but after a couple of days my tongue has adjusted and the difference doesn’t bother me.
For lunch I have a Rabbit sandwich at the Anodyne coffee shop on Brady Street. It has lettuce, carrots, and onion with a delicious almond spread on white bread. After I leave though, I wonder “Was the bread vegan?” I didn’t ask. Later, Paul assures me that I hadn’t failed before I even began, all the bread at Anodyne is vegan. I ask him what he does if he doesn’t know if a restaurant uses vegan bread.
“Ask.” I ask if the answer to that question is “I dunno” and what he does if it is.
“Wing it.” He tells me.
To kick off my trek, Paul is hosting a vegan dinner at his house with a few friends and me.
The main course is red peppers stuffed with a mix consisting of brown rice (prepared with cilantro and lime juice) and fake crumpled beef. He adds habanejero sauce and onion for flavor. He also makes two great side dishes, steamed asparagus and a spicy side of black beans seasoned with onions, lime juice, cumin, cayenne pepper, paprika, chili powder, and a splash of orange juice.
He also lends me two books, the first, and natural place to start is The Complete Idiot’s Guide to Vegan Living. Of course I should have read this beforehand, but I zip through the book over the next few days. The other is a vegan cookbook called Simply Vegan, which comes in handy on nights I feel like cooking.

MAY 2- “My parents thought I joined a cult.”
I go to the Riverwest Co-op café for breakfast. The Riverwest co-op becomes headquarters for me over the next month, for a few reasons. It is close proximity to my house, everything on the menu is vegetarian and can be made vegan, the grocery section contains many vegan substitutes, and the staff is insightful and friendly. Inventory Co-Manager Shelly McClone who is a former roommate and good friend of mine. Shelly was vegan for about ten years, starting when she was 19 and still living in Appleton, a city not well known for it’s vegan ways. She became vegan around the same time she shaved her head.
“My parents thought I had gone crazy and joined a cult.” She says, but adds that they eventually came around to accept it. After becoming pregnant a couple years ago she decided not to follow a strict vegan diet.
“I figured I had done it a long time and didn’t want to limit my food during pregnancy.”
This morning I’m having vegan French toast which I admit I’ve ordered out of skepticism. Making French toast without dairy seems impossible, but I get my first of many pleasant surprises over the month. It’s not only good; it’s great, all the way down to hunk of non dairy butter melting on top. I eat breakfast often at the co-op over the next monthly, trying almost every dish on the menu. My favorites are the Ranchero plate- brown rice, black beans, tofu, avocado, salsa, and tortillas and Bi Bim Bop, which is not a ska band but a Korean dish that uses brown rice, grilled seasoned vegetables, tofu, kimchee (spiced cabbage) and BBQ sauce. Spicy!
Later at work, a co-worker offers me a bag of peanuts. I’m about to eat a handful when I notice that they are honey roasted. “Hey!”, I say, “Honey comes from bees!” I’m going the distance, here, folks.

MAY 4- Vegan pizza party
I pick up two frozen vegan pizzas, one with garlic almond cream, onions, and peppers, and one with garlic almond cream and tofu posing as sausage. They are both made by Simple Soyman, a Milwaukee based company that makes vegan meat alternatives. It isn’t the same as real pizza, but it tastes pretty good anyhow, Just different.

MAY 6- Hot diggedy dog
Hummus with El Rey chips, my favorite, baby carrots, a pasta salad with butter beans, and for dinner me and Jessica have chips and homemade guacamole. Look out, because pre made guac often has dairy. We also have tofu hot dogs (the Lifelight Jumbo Smartdogs) we are skeptical and a bit turned off by the rubbery, discolored appearance, but once we bite in, they’re really not that bad. We boiled them, and maybe they’re even better grilled.

MAY 9- Tofu Italiano
After work I cook up a dish called Tofu Italiano from the Simply Vegan cookbook. If you want to eat well as a vegan, you must develop at least some interest in cooking. I’m not a good cook. I get easily distracted and then stuff gets burnt, but I’m trying to put in the effort, and in this case it pays off. I make a spread of sautéed tofu and onion mixed with tomato sauce, peas, corn, oregano, and garlic poured over rotini pasta. It turns out well, with leftovers for lunch tomorrow.

MAY 10- Into the medicine cabinet
“No, now see, this says Glycol, which might be a form of Glycerin.” Me and Paul are looking through my medicine cabinet, at my small collection of hygenics. Vegan philosophy goes beyond what you eat. It extends to what you use, and what you wear. Paul is warning me that glycerin is often made from animal fat. In addition, even if cosmetics don’t contain animal products, many are tested on animals. He recommends checking out the Peta’s and the vegan society’s websites for more information. He explains he doesn’t know much about the details because he gets his supplies from local stores, stuff that is clearly labeled as animal friendly.
I key online later and find an easy to use list at caringconsumer. Com and am dismayed to find my soap, toothpaste and 2 in 1 shampoo/ conditioner are all made by companies that test on animals. Fortunately good alternatives to these products are easily found. I am relieved to see that my goopy hair treatment, which I assumed was pure lard, is animal product free, although it is almost pure petroleum product, which is not environmentally friendly.

MAY 11 – vegan jerky
Yes, they make vegan jerky which I can’t resist trying. I grab a big stick of Primal stick natural smoke flavored jerky. The taste is not too bad, but the texture is a little odd.

MAY 12- Mother’s day
“So should we just order a plain cheese pizza?” I’m trying to explain to my mom what a vegan is. My sister is a vegetarian, and I explain the difference to her. Then she asks a classic line many vegans hear in their life. “Can’t you just skip it for a day?” I tell her I could if I was a total wimp, but that’s just not the case. My sister ends up making a delicious vegan crowd pleaser- veggie burgers, fried potatoes, pasta, salad, and creamed corn.

MAY 17- veganmyspace . com
Yes, you can find a vegan alternative to almost anything, including the popular social networking site myspace. I wish I could tell you veganmyspace is 100% animal free, but after all, one Tea Krulos has just joined. I set up a profile and start adding vegan friends from Texas, California, and New York. I am able to find one fellow vegan on the site, Kellie, who is 21 years old, has been vegan three years, and is an aspiring experimental filmmaker. Her tagline reads, “I’m too creative for mass production.” She recommends I check out the web store Vegan Essentials at veganessentials. com, an online store that has anything and everything you might not find locally.

MAY 19- Beans and Barley
I stop at Beans and Barley, an eastside institution, and one of the first vegetarian, health conscious, and smoke free restaurants in Milwaukee. They have an excellent deli, a great dining area and a small shop that offers groceries, organic goods, earth friendly cosmetics, independent magazines, and eccentric toys. As their former dishwasher, I know firsthand how clean and orderly they keep their kitchen, because my back ached many nights, trying to keep up with their thorough cleaning regiment.
The vegan items on the menu are marked with a “V”, and the restraunt is equipped with many vegan alternatives.
“We understand vegans, and most of the entries on our menu can be veganized.” Co-owner Peg Silvestrini tells me.
Today I pick up some Savory Tempeh Stew from the deli, which is very similar to beef stew. The tempeh looks almost exactly like beef. I also get some of Bean’s own hummus blend and the Indian Basmati salad, a spicy rice dish with chick peas and other vegetables.
In other news, Jessica is having serious cheese withdrawal. She wanders around the house muttering “Cheese. Cheeeeeeeeese!” To make matters worse, our friend Jason sends her a text message mocking her symptoms that simply says “CHEDDAR! CHEDDAR! CHEDDAR!”

MAY 20- Vegan brunch
I go with Paul and some other friends for brunch at the Comet cafe. A Bloody Mary goes well with Kelly’s Vegan Scrambler, a dish named after my old neighbor Kelly Todd. I find out that Kelly has been vegan for over five years. She helped design the dish because she found it difficult to “…find good (vegan) breakfast items in the city.” She also rallies me on to consider full time veganism.
“You should extend it past May. Getting started is the hard part, it only gets easier as time goes on.”
Like Beans and Barley, Comet notes vegan items with an icon of the Comet mascot, a swan diving rabbit.

MAY 23- Raw power
A raw food diet is a great way to cleanse your system. When food is cooked, it loses a lot of nutrients, which is why raw foodists eat nothing that has been cooked. I decide to try it out just for today. I start the day off with a couple of apples, and an all fruit smoothie. For lunch I have a lot of carrots and some grape tomatoes. At dinner I have two giant portabella mushroom caps with a sliced cucumber on the side. I eat the mushroom with a steak knife and fork, like a steak, listen to classical music and drink a glass of merlot. Hey, I can be a classy guy once in awhile.

MAY 25- Outpost
Outpost started as a small co-op on the Eastside and has steadily grown into three large stores on Capital Drive near the Eastside, in Wauwatosa, and in Bay View. I cruise over to the Capital Drive location with Jessica and our friend Mel. I have some Southern Fried Tofu, which tastes similar to chicken, Creole style roasted yams, “Riverwest best” blend coffee, and a sweet green machine smoothie, a powerful dose of apples and green vegetables. The stores are well stocked with vegan alternatives to everything, groceries, cookbooks, beauty supplies, and more.

MAY 27 and 28- Memorial Day BBQs
The grilling season officially kicks off this weekend, and vegans love a good barbeques like everyone else. I went to two vegan barbeques and had my fill of vegan burgers and brats with plenty of sides and of course beer.

MAY 30- More options
I look over my notes to see other places vegans have recommended checking out that I haven’t made it to. So many places, so little time. East Gardens is an oriental restaurant in Shorewood with many vegan options. Whole Foods has opened a large store on the east side. East Side Ovens is a great place to get vegan bakery.

MAY 31- Last day?
I was pleasantly surprised how easy the month went. The healthier diet gave me more energy and I found I was awake longer hours, had a more positive attitude at work, and overall was able to get through the day easier. After a week I felt energetic enough to start a simple exercise routine, something I hadn’t done in months. I lost nine pounds over the month.
The big question everyone had was what would I do on the first? Run out and buy pork chops and a wheel of cheese? The answer is no. I have not maintained a strict vegan diet, particularly when it comes to bakery, but I have been eating more vegan options than not, mostly because I want to maintain a healthy system. I also appreciate the animal rights issues. You know, I’ve had my black leather jacket for a long time. Vegan Essentials carries a slick pleather jacket that looks like the real thing and is similar in price. Maybe it’s time to make the trade.

Unpublished

ROSES ARE RED...

ROSES ARE RED…
By Tea Krulos, 3rd District resident

Politicians are known for trying to use flowery language, but how poetic are their souls? Woodland Pattern offered the 3rd District candidates a chance to wax poetic the night of February 15, and all showed up for the challenge except John Connelly. Vince Bushell, publisher of the Riverwest Currents hosted the event and the candidates had a variety of different approaches to the subject.
David Schroeder admitted it had been 42 years since he had read a poem out loud to an audience in school, and he read the last poem Woody Guthrie wrote, about the struggle of hard working immigrants being deported.
Matt Nelson started by asking the elders in the room permission to speak, which was granted. He read poems from friends that spoke of creativity being the antidote to problems, and trying to better one’s neighborhood environment. He ended with a piece on the common man, art, and liberation from Albert Camus’s 1960 collection Resistance, Rebellion, and Death.
Sam McGovern-Rowen took a much lighter approach. He started with a quote from Steve Martin, “Some people have a way with words, some people not have way.” He then read the classic tale, in it’s entirety, of Sam-I-Am in Green Eggs and Ham, by Dr. Seuss. The audience was amused.
Nik Kovac read a poem by Charles Hines, cousin of Willy Hines, which began “People are made of people…” Next he read an excerpt of a short story he wrote in college, and ended with a clever and funny poem about the long, cold, trek of the campaign trail, with politely funny nods to the other aldermanic candidates. He had a great line about Dan Foliard hyping “a chicken for every pot, and a pineapple for every pothole.” The line refers to an aldermanic forum in which Foliard brought a pineapple to illustrate the point that he was a complex fruit, the pineapple, while the other candidates were merely apples. It also refers to one of Foliard’s talking points, fixing the many potholes in the 3rd District.
Foliard himself was up next, and picked up an acoustic guitar. “Let me introduce you to my friend, A” he said “It stands for aequitas, which is Latin for justice.” He then sang a rendition of “Where the Streets Have No Name” by U2. U2 is certainly must be on the top of Fouliard’s playlist. He once tried to get a million people to sign a petition to have the group play a charity gig at Miller Park, although he was unable to convince the Irish rockers to sign on. He then played a tune called “Ms.Amazing” which he wrote for his sweetheart who was in the audience. The lyrics can be found in his newspaper, The Advocate of Milwaukee in an ad for the Petaluna flower shop on page 11.
Sura Faraj has long been a poetry advocate. She started with a “Riverwest Manifest-o” which was an ode to the creative scene in this neighborhood, and read two more from Nerve House, a short lived but well produced art and literature publication that she edited and published. One of the poems, “I Love America” was an angry tirade against the heavy handed U.S. bombing of middle eastern countries. Faraj’s country of heritage is Lebanon. Her last poem was a tribute to her grandmother that appeared in Mizna, a publication showcasing Arab American artists.
Patrick Flaherty was the last poet of the night, reading an “Ode to Television” that he wrote twenty years ago. He explained this poem was read before his college friends after they found many discarded television sets and decided to put the unfortunate TVs on a fake trial, complete with judge and defendants before smashing them. The poem made references to Little House on the Prairie, MTV, and Starsky and Hutch.

This originally appeared at Milwaukeeworld.com

OLD MAN MALCOLM SPINS THE SIDELINE

Malcolm Michiles looks out his apartment window. It has begun to snow, and he studies it, sipping a mug of tea. It is two days before the Packers will beat the Raiders for the NFC North division title.
“I’m not sure about this snow. I haven’t had to deal with this. I’m mostly concerned about the equipment.” Michiles is talking about his unusual and challenging DJ gig, a gig he also calls “The best gig of my life. It’s like playing on a mountain.” Every home game at Lambeau field, Michiles sets up his DJ equipment at the Green Bay Packer’s sideline and spins for the players warming up, the idea being that the music will help psych the Pack up. Over the next couple of games, Michiles will struggle to stay warm, keep snow off his records and needles, and heat his equipment with deer hunter’s hand warmers. The idea came from the company that does the audio for Lambeau, who hired Michiles and praise came early for the idea. A higher up at Lambeau approached the audio team.
“Whose idea was this? The players love it!”
As the game is about to start, Michiles has about ten minutes to pack up his equipment and head up to the control booth, where he helps work the audio for the game.
Michiles is well known on the local music scene, he DJs under the name Old Man Malcolm, and recently toured with his band Codebreaker. He was part of Citizen King, and recorded in studio with Garbage.
Michiles is a life long Packers fan. He has fond memories of watching the game while his granddad yelled at the television. After moving around, Michiles ended up going to high school in Green Bay. He recalls frequent trips down to Milwaukee to buy records because choices were slim in Green Bay.
On game day, Michiles loads up his records and equipment around 6AM and makes the drive up to Green Bay. During the 2007 season, Lambeau Field was voted the number one NFL stadium in game-day atmosphere and fan experience by a Sports Illustrated poll, and endless small details must come together to maintain this image.
“The precision of the timing is amazing.” Michiles says of the operation.
As the pregame starts, Michiles sets up his equipment by the sideline.
“I had to overcome the last bit of stage fright I’ve had. It’s weird seeing yourself on the jumbotron, it’s a huge crowd.” At first, he felt he was perceived as “The weird guy who showed up in the infield spinning records.” Soon the Pack was asking what he was going spin.
Michiles is currently working on trying to get more feedback from the Packers, but is somewhat difficult with all the attention surrounding the players. Meanwhile, he uses available knowledge. A player shouted that they wanted to hear “Crank That” (by Soulja Boy) from the bench. What about the king of touchdowns, Sport Illustrated’s Sportsman of the year, Brett Farve? Michiles knows he’s a fan of Tim McGraw and Toby Keith, so he throws tunes by them into the mix.
For the last game he started his play list with songs by Cupid, Bob Marley, Smashing Pumpkins, and Dr.Dre.
“I try to mix it up as best I can.” There are limitations, however, and he has to be careful what he plays at the family friendly arena.
Michiles wishes he could DJ the sideline the entire game, but there are safety concerns. Imagine if Michiles and his equipment were suddenly tackled.
As the game starts, Michiles makes his way up to the control booth, where he works balancing with the announcers, the ref, the networks, and others.
“The producer will be like, alright, in two seconds let’s go to this screen and play “We Will Rock You”. It’s unbelievable to see that level of show come together week after week.”
When the game is over, Michiles packs up and drives back to Milwaukee, where he has a lower key gig spinning at the Good Life restaurant Sunday nights.
I ask Michiles if he sees himself as a possible trendsetter, if someday we might see every team with a sideline DJ.
“I think it’s possible. It has to be the right guy for the job, there’s a ton of things to keep track of.”
The Pack beats the Detroit Lions by 21 points in the last game of the season and Michiles spins in less than 20 degree weather, but is excited despite the cold. He will be DJ-ing at Lambeau for the play off game January 12.
Michiles is proud to be on the front line for this season. The Packers may go all the way to the Super Bowl and who knows what songs will be playing in their head?

This originally appeared in a slightly different form in the Shepherd Express

BUS TUBS OF THUNDER

“A writer without a bottle of whiskey is like a chicken without a goddamn head.” –William Faulkner.

Yeah, Billy Faulkner, thanks for reminding me, I think as I walk bleary eyed and hung over into Ma Fischer’s. I grab a booth with Ms. Killya, and raise an eyebrow as she scoops ice out of her ice water and drops it into her coffee.
“I need to drink it NOW.” She explains.
Ma Fischer’s is famous for it’s large menu of Americana staples, meatloaf, chicken pot pie, lasagna, hamburgers, liver and onions, apple pie, milk shakes, coffee, etc., etc., and so on and so forth. I put in an order for my fav, eggs benedict and Ms. Killya opts for some hash and an egg.
Ma Fischer’s is also famous for it’s bus boys. They are perhaps the most energetic people on earth. They don’t just bus tables; they rain down on them like thunder and lightning. They circle with an endless supply of coffee and water, and I’m barely halfway through my cup of Joe when a bus boy appears stealthily to top it off. He chews his gum in an aggressive rhythm SMACK SMACK SMACK. Could this be the secret to his energy? Some high octane rocket fuel supersonic NASA invented chewing gum invented to launch people into outer space?
Two tables leave at once.
“Vamanos!” The first bus boy says to the second. He has a look of determination, like a deep sea fisherman with a net full of electric eels. He SWOOPS down once, magnetizing all the plates with his hands and slamming them into the pan. He SWOOPS again, catching all the glasses with his fingers, then SWOOPS and scoops all the silverware into the bus pan, grabs the ashtray, flips it upside down, and cleans it with a towel that hangs out of his pocket, cool as James Bond polishing a martini glass.
The whole thing is a frenzied hurricane of a flurry, and Ms. Killya and I stare at the sight with the same attention we’d give an ice sculptor going nuts on a block of ice with a chainsaw.
“You should have brought a stopwatch!” She tells me.
They throw the full bus tub on a cart, weighed down with tubs full of dirty dishes. Let’s hope the dishwasher is as energetic as they are. The second bus boy enters the arena after the first has cleared the tops. He quickly and efficiently wipes down the tables like turtle wax on a Cadillac, then slams down new silverware, placemats and napkins, a blacksmith and his anvil. All of this happens in a blink of an eye, and that may be the only way to measure their speed, one blink per tabletop.
I admire these bus boys, although really they should be called bus men. Their work ethic and enthusiasm inspires me. They know how to bring it. Our waitress, a bubbly blonde, brings the breakfast.
“Enjoy your meal.” She tells us.

Unpublished

WIENERS FOR THE WASTED

WIENERS FOR THE WASTED! With ketchup and mustard!
By Tea Krulos

It’s midnight on a Friday night, and the corner of North and Oakland is hopping. I’m standing by Sil’s Drive-Thru. I like to make an annoying argument that this hot dog stand is no less an architectural achievement than Calatrava’s Milwaukee Art Museum. I mean, it’s much smaller, but if you somehow blew it up and moved it to the lake, it would look more or less the same, minus the flapping wings.
One thing you won’t find hanging on a Calatrava, though, is a banner that reads “Wieners for the wasted- $1.50 hot dogs with ketchup and mustard 10PM-2: 30AM.” Giant hot dogs bookend the words, and the words “for the” are in an explosive neon starburst. Sil’s also offers a variety of other dogs, from a Chicago style to a Southsider (with kraut), donuts, nachos, coffee, slush puppies, and more.
A group of college women walk by.
“I said c’mon, Andrea, rum or beer? Rum or beer? C’mon, RUM or BEER? And she was like…” Her thought is derailed by the traffic light. “…C’mon, ladies, the light is GREEN! So, I was like, you are going to be soooooooo drunk.”
At this moment a man walks out of the Eastsider to greet another man. He picks him up and then begins thrusting him up and down. It is reminiscent of an intimate position called Janukurpara.
A dejected looking man approaches Sil’s and looks a little down. Perhaps he has struck out, and now his companions home are a couple of dogs.
A girl walks by briskly, deep in thought, an unlit cigarette hanging from her mouth. She’s almost out of sight before she lights up.
Two women walk up to Sil’s, one on a cell phone. They passed two guys on the corner who stare over at them. The women look over but give no commitment.
“Shiiiiishhh.” One of the guys says, and they move on. The woman order nachos and donuts, and uh-oh, someone’s in the doghouse from the dog stand.
“No. I hate you. You hang up on me ONE MORE TIME and I swear…” Her threat is drowned out by the number 15 bus.
Two guys exit Cush across the street and yell and wave at the women.
“Aaaaaay!” One guy yells. “Aaaaaaaay!” One of the guys wears a red polo shirt and the other a matching yellow polo shirt. I think “with ketchup and mustard” and laugh. They should be standing here by Sil’s with a guy in hot dog costume.
A couple walks up and they grab some dogs.
“You wanna walk that way, or you wanna walk that way?” He asks, shrugging. All roads lead to Rome, they say.
A group of five women walks by. Three are on cell phones, and another is howling an awful, off key rendition of “God Bless America.”
Across the street at El Chico Zuma, the kitchen staff is outside, people watching and smoking. One of them swings a kitchen rag above his head like a lasso.
Inside Sil’s, the hot dog wrangler is taking a break, playing a handheld Playstation. The marquee above Pizza Man spells out this message- “AHH…SUMMER NIGHTS BY THE LAKE…LIFE IS GOOD.” Yes, it is.
I have a hot dog and it’s okay. I bet it would be better is I was wasted.

Originally appeared in the Riverwest Currents